24 Sep 2022

I want you to know colby that I really like you but they keep abusing me to the point we can't even be friends, please don't cry for my illness and poverty and loneliness because they have done this before to me. I think I will be their eternal victim. I love you. or at least I love the idea of you. what I would hope for you to be and grow to be in time and be a good person. do the right thing. etc. but they abuse me so I can't even look at you. I am not even allowed to look at you that my mother says'"you know I hate you doing that" etc. when she can't even see what I am looking at. they have her wired in on any and every man I have liked so I can't win. I guess their was a childish part of me begging you to help me and the man I have longed for. to know what love is insted of a freelance prison of ideas and values that I must be their masturbating monkey fool to make them happy. but i want you to know in another lifetime I would love you so much you would be my every thing just like that irish guy whose wife was murdered. I would not be out partying if I had a husband like you. I really hope you will find love and be happy with a wonderful person your own age. in a fantasy it looks good, but I think they are gonna keep doing this to me and there is no way out for me but death. and I have to be strong to keep living alone. you don't know how many times they have done this to me. they have linked your dialogue up with that dr mac something at a hospital as well. and a few other men , 2 in my street even. I am really sorry things went this way. I didnt mean to be rude or mean. I had to do it to get out and look like the ass they want me to look like ok , I don't understand it but that is how it has to be. I just want you to know I am not a bad person or a pedo or sex maniac . I long for love in the purest sense and rarely been touched or loved other then violence. why they say this shit about me I have no idea it meets their want of narrative and lies. to cover their own bs. I have lost yet again in love. so many times. I didn't even want to love you. honest , I tried not to so often. I wish you the best in life. I wish I was young again to be with someone like you. I never got my young boy romance ever. just abuse and their titillations at 3 and 5 down a dark road of masturbation and isolation in this evil gangstalking program. but know somewhere there is a part of me that will always think well of you even if you don't deserve it. just so you know there is some good in some people. always remember that. and I guess there will be a new man soon they will sent up for the same game to break my heart again and again like all the other times. so I do move on and love I just never get love back . I am their dirty incel for life and it will take a powerful man to help me out of this hell from them. know I do love you as a person. not just as an object. be someones stardust so that a flicker or glimpse of hope is out there for us eternal child sexual abuse victims and there is not a way out for people like me yet. but I am not a pedo and I am not into animal sex. and why they say I got caught . I don't know what at, masturbation I guess or a fantasy that someone might love me one day. and never allow a dumb cunt counsellor bitch to tell you "you think your not worthy enough for love" cuz all that is saying is I hope you don't and I am not confident at my skills and I just like insulting you cuz they know there is nothing you convince them even if you were to spend 2 years in counselling with them , there minds are so closed in their lies. they love pulling that on me. and demonic gangstalking has attacked me today violently. I fear you will be angry at me and maybe I deserve it because I have so much hate in me now, if I was weaker I would be a killer by now. I hope they die in hell for this abuse. it seems to be asian, arab, eastern or filipino or south americna or aboriginal or islander and its dirty. i never wanted to be a racist but i am now. they would be too if I abused them like they have to me. i will never love them. know that. just know that.